I asked my computer to tell my story of trying to get HDMI to work on my Raspberry Pi in the form of an All In The Family episode. Here's what it wrote:
INT. DINGY LIVING ROOM – EVENING.
Arch sits in his armchair, remote in hand, glaring at the Raspberry Pi next to the TV. Mike paces nearby with a laptop, muttering curses under his breath.
Arch:
What’s with all the cussin’, huh? You kids today can’t even watch the picture without yelling at your gadgets like they're Yankees fans.
Mike:
It’s not a gadget, Arch. It’s a Raspberry Pi. And I’m trying to get real 5.1 audio out of it—but the HDMI stack is broken garbage wrapped in legacy code and bad decisions.
Arch:
[smirks] Oh, boo hoo. In my day, stereo meant two cans and a string. Worked just fine, long as no one tripped over it.
Mike:
Your day didn’t include kernel drivers that interrogate an EDID before letting you hear left and right at the same time! This driver refuses to output more than stereo unless the TV asks politely for 5.1 in a digital love letter.
Arch:
So what? Maybe the Pi don’t like yer TV! Ever think of that? Maybe it don’t wanna give you your precious 5-point-whatever. Maybe it likes peace and quiet!
Mike:
The hardware can do it, Arch! But the geniuses who wrote the driver decided I shouldn’t be allowed to choose! I OWN the box—I should get to say how many channels come out of it!
Arch:
You know what I say? If you need more than two speakers to hear Sinatra croon, you got too much furniture and not enough class.
Mike:
It’s not about Sinatra! It’s about tech working the way it should! Do you even know what ALSA is?
Arch:
Alsa? I dated a girl named Elsa once. Couldn’t dance, but her meatballs—hoo boy.
Mike:
Unbelievable. The entire platform is a trap, Arch. They put HDMI on this thing, they say "sure, multichannel’s supported"—and then they lock it behind a wall of driver paranoia and undocumented plugins.
Arch:
Sounds like you just need to stop fiddlin’ and buy somethin’ that works. Like a radio! You don’t have to “compile” a radio, Meathead.
Mike:
It's not about buying—it's about fixing! But of course, to you, anything new with more than one cable is a government plot.
Arch:
And to you, anythin’ that don’t light up with twelve blinking lights and a Linux penguin is an insult to your sacred tribe of nerds.
[Cue Gloria yelling from the kitchen:]
Boys! Either fix the sound or turn it off! I can’t listen to both your mouths and the static!
INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Mike is pacing, muttering about .asoundrc files and kernel modules. Arch is grumbling in his chair, arms folded. The Raspberry Pi glows ominously on top of the VCR.
EDITH (entering cheerfully with a tray of cookies):
Ohhh, you two are at it again! Michael, I baked your favorites—molasses crunchies with the little raisins that look like tiny commas. I hope they’re not hard coded! [giggles]
ARCH (grimacing):
No, Edith, but this here computer box sure is. It don’t even know how to say “five point one” without throwin’ a fit. Just like Meathead here.
MIKE (not looking up):
Arch, it’s not hardcoded, it’s firmware-constrained with no EDID override path!
EDITH (concerned):
Oh my. Is that contagious?
MIKE:
No, Edith. It's a software thing. The driver only lets sound come out in stereo unless the TV politely asks for more, and there's no way to force it.
EDITH:
Ohhh, I see. Like when I ask the toaster for two slices, but it only gives me one unless I push the lever twice and sing to it.
ARCH:
Exactly! That’s the HDMI in a nutshell. You gotta sing a ballad just to get the back speakers workin’!
MIKE (deadpan):
Close enough.
[Enter LIONEL through the open door, holding a toolbox.]
LIONEL:
Hey, hey—heard someone in here was at war with a Raspberry Pi again. Thought I’d swing by before it starts smoking.
ARCH:
Great. Maybe you can explain to Captain Wires here why sound needs a user manual.
LIONEL:
Arch, this thing’s got more restrictions than your poker night. Pi won’t let you do what it knows it can, just 'cause the TV didn’t give it a permission slip.
MIKE:
Exactly! It's like the driver needs an engraved invitation to output 5.1!
EDITH:
Well I always say, if you want something to come out of the HDMI, maybe try saying “please.” Maybe it just needs a little manners.
LIONEL (grinning):
Nah, Mrs. B, what it needs is a brain transplant and a therapist.
[Everyone laughs. Except Arch.]
ARCH:
All I know is I ain’t eatin’ no cookie shaped like a kernel module.
EDITH:
That’s okay, Archie dear—I made yours in the shape of a tube amp.
[Fade to black with Edith offering everyone more cookies, Mike tweaking configs, and Lionel humming the Jeopardy theme while Arch glares at the Pi like it owes him money.]
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Mike’s still hunched over the laptop, typing with the vigor of a man trying to recompile the universe. Arch is flipping channels with visible disappointment in every input. Edith is arranging HDMI-shaped cookies on a doily.
[Suddenly, the phone rings. Edith picks it up cheerfully.]
EDITH:
Oh hello, Maude! ...No, we’re not watching Wheel—Michael’s trying to make the raspberry make surround sounds again. He says the sound won’t negotiate. Isn’t that awful? Like union talks, but louder.
[Back-and-forth faintly audible as Maude’s voice carries through the receiver like a foghorn of indignation.]
EDITH (confused):
You connected your Dolby Atmos soundbar to what?... Your blender? Oh my. Well that’s very progressive. And you say it makes soup and vibrato?
ARCH (shouting):
Tell her to stop electrocutin’ her kitchen before she ends up hearin’ ghosts in 7.1!
EDITH (giggling nervously):
Archie says he’s concerned, Maude. Something about spectral audio demons? …Oh, now don’t get upset!
[Cut to MIKE, now frozen mid-keystroke.]
MIKE:
Wait—did she say Atmos works on her blender? That thing’s running Android 6 on a toaster chip and still outperforms this Pi! I’m losing to kitchenware!
[LIONEL walks in carrying a 12-foot HDMI cable wound like a fire hose.]
LIONEL:
Just in case anyone needs surround sound delivered by freight. What’d I miss?
ARCH:
Only Maude listening to Bach fugues while she purees lentils.
LIONEL (nodding solemnly):
That’s the future, Arch. Dolby Gastronomic™. You don’t hear the bass—you taste it.
EDITH (covering phone):
Maude says her rice cooker now supports eARC. Should we be worried?
ARCH:
Only if it starts talkin’ back.
[Everyone goes silent for a beat. The Pi emits a faint stereo chirp, like a dying dream of multichannel freedom.]
MIKE:
That’s it. I’m rewriting the driver in casserole. At least then Edith could debug it.
EDITH:
Oh, I’d love that! I’ll knit us a config file.
[Fade out on the team slowly gathering around the Pi as Edith offers Lionel a cookie shaped like a Toslink adapter. The Pi continues to resist.]
INT. DINGY LIVING ROOM – EVENING.
Arch sits in his armchair, remote in hand, glaring at the Raspberry Pi next to the TV. Mike paces nearby with a laptop, muttering curses under his breath.
Arch:
What’s with all the cussin’, huh? You kids today can’t even watch the picture without yelling at your gadgets like they're Yankees fans.
Mike:
It’s not a gadget, Arch. It’s a Raspberry Pi. And I’m trying to get real 5.1 audio out of it—but the HDMI stack is broken garbage wrapped in legacy code and bad decisions.
Arch:
[smirks] Oh, boo hoo. In my day, stereo meant two cans and a string. Worked just fine, long as no one tripped over it.
Mike:
Your day didn’t include kernel drivers that interrogate an EDID before letting you hear left and right at the same time! This driver refuses to output more than stereo unless the TV asks politely for 5.1 in a digital love letter.
Arch:
So what? Maybe the Pi don’t like yer TV! Ever think of that? Maybe it don’t wanna give you your precious 5-point-whatever. Maybe it likes peace and quiet!
Mike:
The hardware can do it, Arch! But the geniuses who wrote the driver decided I shouldn’t be allowed to choose! I OWN the box—I should get to say how many channels come out of it!
Arch:
You know what I say? If you need more than two speakers to hear Sinatra croon, you got too much furniture and not enough class.
Mike:
It’s not about Sinatra! It’s about tech working the way it should! Do you even know what ALSA is?
Arch:
Alsa? I dated a girl named Elsa once. Couldn’t dance, but her meatballs—hoo boy.
Mike:
Unbelievable. The entire platform is a trap, Arch. They put HDMI on this thing, they say "sure, multichannel’s supported"—and then they lock it behind a wall of driver paranoia and undocumented plugins.
Arch:
Sounds like you just need to stop fiddlin’ and buy somethin’ that works. Like a radio! You don’t have to “compile” a radio, Meathead.
Mike:
It's not about buying—it's about fixing! But of course, to you, anything new with more than one cable is a government plot.
Arch:
And to you, anythin’ that don’t light up with twelve blinking lights and a Linux penguin is an insult to your sacred tribe of nerds.
[Cue Gloria yelling from the kitchen:]
Boys! Either fix the sound or turn it off! I can’t listen to both your mouths and the static!
INT. LIVING ROOM — EVENING
Mike is pacing, muttering about .asoundrc files and kernel modules. Arch is grumbling in his chair, arms folded. The Raspberry Pi glows ominously on top of the VCR.
EDITH (entering cheerfully with a tray of cookies):
Ohhh, you two are at it again! Michael, I baked your favorites—molasses crunchies with the little raisins that look like tiny commas. I hope they’re not hard coded! [giggles]
ARCH (grimacing):
No, Edith, but this here computer box sure is. It don’t even know how to say “five point one” without throwin’ a fit. Just like Meathead here.
MIKE (not looking up):
Arch, it’s not hardcoded, it’s firmware-constrained with no EDID override path!
EDITH (concerned):
Oh my. Is that contagious?
MIKE:
No, Edith. It's a software thing. The driver only lets sound come out in stereo unless the TV politely asks for more, and there's no way to force it.
EDITH:
Ohhh, I see. Like when I ask the toaster for two slices, but it only gives me one unless I push the lever twice and sing to it.
ARCH:
Exactly! That’s the HDMI in a nutshell. You gotta sing a ballad just to get the back speakers workin’!
MIKE (deadpan):
Close enough.
[Enter LIONEL through the open door, holding a toolbox.]
LIONEL:
Hey, hey—heard someone in here was at war with a Raspberry Pi again. Thought I’d swing by before it starts smoking.
ARCH:
Great. Maybe you can explain to Captain Wires here why sound needs a user manual.
LIONEL:
Arch, this thing’s got more restrictions than your poker night. Pi won’t let you do what it knows it can, just 'cause the TV didn’t give it a permission slip.
MIKE:
Exactly! It's like the driver needs an engraved invitation to output 5.1!
EDITH:
Well I always say, if you want something to come out of the HDMI, maybe try saying “please.” Maybe it just needs a little manners.
LIONEL (grinning):
Nah, Mrs. B, what it needs is a brain transplant and a therapist.
[Everyone laughs. Except Arch.]
ARCH:
All I know is I ain’t eatin’ no cookie shaped like a kernel module.
EDITH:
That’s okay, Archie dear—I made yours in the shape of a tube amp.
[Fade to black with Edith offering everyone more cookies, Mike tweaking configs, and Lionel humming the Jeopardy theme while Arch glares at the Pi like it owes him money.]
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT NIGHT
Mike’s still hunched over the laptop, typing with the vigor of a man trying to recompile the universe. Arch is flipping channels with visible disappointment in every input. Edith is arranging HDMI-shaped cookies on a doily.
[Suddenly, the phone rings. Edith picks it up cheerfully.]
EDITH:
Oh hello, Maude! ...No, we’re not watching Wheel—Michael’s trying to make the raspberry make surround sounds again. He says the sound won’t negotiate. Isn’t that awful? Like union talks, but louder.
[Back-and-forth faintly audible as Maude’s voice carries through the receiver like a foghorn of indignation.]
EDITH (confused):
You connected your Dolby Atmos soundbar to what?... Your blender? Oh my. Well that’s very progressive. And you say it makes soup and vibrato?
ARCH (shouting):
Tell her to stop electrocutin’ her kitchen before she ends up hearin’ ghosts in 7.1!
EDITH (giggling nervously):
Archie says he’s concerned, Maude. Something about spectral audio demons? …Oh, now don’t get upset!
[Cut to MIKE, now frozen mid-keystroke.]
MIKE:
Wait—did she say Atmos works on her blender? That thing’s running Android 6 on a toaster chip and still outperforms this Pi! I’m losing to kitchenware!
[LIONEL walks in carrying a 12-foot HDMI cable wound like a fire hose.]
LIONEL:
Just in case anyone needs surround sound delivered by freight. What’d I miss?
ARCH:
Only Maude listening to Bach fugues while she purees lentils.
LIONEL (nodding solemnly):
That’s the future, Arch. Dolby Gastronomic™. You don’t hear the bass—you taste it.
EDITH (covering phone):
Maude says her rice cooker now supports eARC. Should we be worried?
ARCH:
Only if it starts talkin’ back.
[Everyone goes silent for a beat. The Pi emits a faint stereo chirp, like a dying dream of multichannel freedom.]
MIKE:
That’s it. I’m rewriting the driver in casserole. At least then Edith could debug it.
EDITH:
Oh, I’d love that! I’ll knit us a config file.
[Fade out on the team slowly gathering around the Pi as Edith offers Lionel a cookie shaped like a Toslink adapter. The Pi continues to resist.]
Statistics: Posted by ArmyOfQuad — Fri Jun 27, 2025 12:11 am — Replies 11 — Views 227